| tonight |
[Jun. 19th, 2008|02:27 pm] |
friendslocked. and that's all you're getting. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 21st, 2007|09:41 pm] |
i wish you were dead.
then i would never have existed in the first place. |
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| as childish as it sounds, i hate school |
[Aug. 19th, 2007|07:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  listless | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Sing - 東京アンサンブル・アカデミー (heh i don't know how to pronounce that) | ] |
the past week has ended, and i heave a huge sigh of relief.after all, the test phase is over and i can focus on my end-of-years now.but the vicious cycle(i mean attending school) is to be at the top once more, just like a non-stop downhill journey in deadline-meetings and hours of sleep.
recently, i was reminded that i have a cca cip performance at marina cove exactly one week from now.honestly, i don't know where that is, and the barer truth is that i don't even know of any songs that are suited for performing.i'm not exactly happy about it since i have to miss tuition, something that i actually am glad to go to.i have an edge over the other classmates this way, since i'm already learning beyond the year's syllabus that the school set for us.also, sessions cost money.
went to the library with yeesuan yesterday, supposedly to read chick trash as a form of relaxation.we honestly fail to see any literary techniques in Meg Cabot or Sophie Kinsella(fine i don't know how to spell her name, but typo errors equate not to stupidity) and thus practically no part of the brain is being used while reading crap.i didn't get to read trash though, i had Neil Gaiman's Fragile Things there with me, more taxing, but the enjoyment derived is too great to be compared.the remaining hours were spent browsing the shops in junction 8 for sweets(not exactly for the sweet) and presents(which are to be given in the future).i was also cheated by this old hag in yoshinoya who can't even pronounce the word 'salmon' correctly and still insisted on embarrassing herself in public Every Single Day(well, it shouldn't be a part-time job for her).serves her right for the shame, but then again too little Singaporeans know how to pronounce it correctly to even notice.
not much on my mind now.unspoken anger shall remain in its pristine state(hah), raw and fatal if released.goodbye for now.
p.s. i went to watch the fireworks last night, and i may do a short post on it, depending on my mood and its applicability. |
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| enough is enough |
[Aug. 17th, 2007|08:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
one single word, whatever it is, will Never be enough to compromise the emotional upheaval, fustration, screams and tears that i have to undergo.
actions truly speak louder than words.i really expected more from you.it's going to be hard to forgive and forget.you can blame me for being intolerant and overly-emotional, but that's not going to change the way i feel about it.
why do i feel like i am being led about by the nose all the time?i am often too soft-hearted for my own good, and i truly do not know when i should stop.
we should not take others for granted, even more take advantage of them.we are not the boss of anyone, and nobody will conform in our favour.we are just stupid, irritating teenagers who can never be trusted.who are we to behave so arrogantly, anyway? |
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| i can't summarise my life for you, get that? |
[Aug. 16th, 2007|09:05 pm] |
if i do not talk about things that upset me, i'd probably have nothing coming out of my mouth besides the occasional utterance of my love for rufus.
very, very tired.i only had roughly 16 hours of sleep over the past 3 days, and the homework just keeps piling up.homework that is going to be counted for my year-end results.why can't i have more time?
you know how adults love telling us that we all have 24 hours a day and if others can balance their perfect lives we all should do the same thing?they are missing the point.no other cca carries on for 3 consecutive days,with 2 of them ends during the peak hour.i have to wait for 30 minutes so that i can jostle with many other bodies in the overly-crowded bus, finally reaching home at least after 7pm.and you want me to have 6 bloody hours a day to study just like those people with light ccas or those who absolutely have no sense of responsibility?!
fuck you for that.I HATE YOU ARGH
apparently trying to maintain my existence and probably prolong it at the same time.i won't let fucked up morons like you get to me that badly.i reciprocate your actions, and one day it will all come back to you.the stress level on everyone is already present, and i'm going to load boulders over your backbone and see you crack.then i shall have the last laugh.
you are a disgusting blame-shifter who spews saliva.i wish i could actually tell this to your face, but please shut up.for the rest of your life.you don't say anything productive so why bother?also, you're hogging my oxygen with your non-stop breathing.i can't believe that you can still maintain this level of self-righteousness after making all of us do your dirty work and claiming credit, ESPECIALLY when you know it.so what if you're under pressure?does that mean we aren't?the way you behave as if you were the only rose among the thorn-bush is infuriating.
to think i actually tried accepting you, and attempted treating you like a NORMAL PERSON.
tests were terrible.waking up at 4 am after sleeping at 12 midnight apparently doesn't do wonders for my answering skills.i think that i am going to have a nervous breakdown when they come back to me.yes, reverting to my emo ways: just like a continually stabbing at my heart with a dagger.or something like that anyway.why must melancholy always be so closely related with the idea of being romantic?
very poor right now.going to be even poorer next week.i have to feed my juniors and save money because i really want another piece of rufus.
you really don't get what i'm saying do you |
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| still trying to |
[Aug. 4th, 2007|05:00 pm] |
I am living through a topical test phase.and hating it.because it is really hard to behave as if my life is like a calm sea and start studying without any distractions and as if i were already bloody good in the first place.
i'd really like a break.realised that on average i only sleep 6 hours a day?and more often that NOT my days are 13-hour-long and that doesn't even include the time spent at home studying and revising.i wish i were the dictator of my life.then i can stop some things and begin to kill.
not emo!
i'd really hate you if you roll your eyes at me ONE MORE TIME.then i'd kick you so hard in your shins you'd double back in pain and i can proceed to tie you up and burn you alive. |
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| I'm trying not to sound emo here. |
[Aug. 1st, 2007|08:05 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | dweebish | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Deep Purple Medley | ] |
observation:my left foot is especially susceptible to cramps when i am forced to sit cross-legged on the floor as the student-slave(no difference) who i am.
um, well now.there was the Leaders' Investiture today.besides being bitchy, grumpy and bitter, i managed to actually have fun because i was singing Incense And Peppermints and making crude remarks on High School Musical, of which one of the songs they chose to play.i did some arithmetic in the hall too.well honestly it was boring.i'm not a fan of my peers, especially when they are girls so there was absolutely nothing to cheer about.i suppose some bruised egos still remain large enough to envelope person of irritance and dislikeability.
before that was lessons.terrible, even though we only had 4 lessons.for SS i didn't do my work because 1.i was lazy and 2.couldn't find my worksheet.this was despite a bad feeling under my heart it made me uncomfortable almost the whole of last night and caused slight insomnia.majority of the class didn't do it, as expected so Mdm Faridah decided to punish us almost-all by making us do the whole worksheet = utter hell.luckily enough, Mr Lim didn't come for Bio after that so she said that Bio students got allowance and we'd get away with it if our answers were in by the end of that free period.even though there was a revision worksheet but i didn't do it cos it was NA then, without textbook(which is probably all).
recess!wonderful time yeesuan and i got coffee after a number of sleep/happiness/relaxation-deprived days hurray *waves flag as sign of act-cute victory*!later we went to buy a new badge which probably, against hopes, is low-quality.urgh.i shall have to try it out.the last time i bought a school badge the metal disc stuck to the back fell out together with the damned safety pin after a number of days so small i could count it with the fingers on 1 hand.thumbs not included, technically?i dunno some people say they aren't.yeah so if it falls out again i'd force the lady to write me a receipt.i'm living on a scanty allowance so 90c doesn't come that easy damnit.
chinese was so-so, my teacher didn't yell at us(!) and she said that we did pretty well for the test on Monday (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) but whatever.she returned the practice papers we did and i got a disgustingly low grade so maybe i failed the test anyway.
english was terrible.i don't want to talk about it but IT IS ENTIRELY NOT MY FAULT.i felt like boxing Someone in the class then, and still do.
and it was boring leaders' investiture where they sang a weird bitter-sounding song -1 and it took almost everything to turn the crowd lukewarm to their efforts.
had band after that.ms sia came but went to take the french horns instead so combined was held with mr ong.uhm, we got to play merry widow again!but now i like disney fantasy better cos eagerness wears off rather easily.
came home and did my homework.and watched TV.and ate dinner.and came on.and went off.
*Rufus in Leaving For Paris No.2* Good-bye~ |
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| Life is terrible. |
[Jul. 27th, 2007|07:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  thirsty | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Rock Upon A Porch With You - The Boy Least Likely To | ] |
so terrible that i don't even value each day, having not even the time to evaluate and reflect upon my deeds.thus commited will be sins, galore.
one thing i remember, though.i had nightmares every night for 3 complete solar cycles.the first was the absolute worst, (i think because i don't quite remember)some terrible novel that i read suddenly enveloped me and i lived in fear within it, finally waking up in cold sweat at 5am.in the second one, my mother dropped me to study Express chinese without even telling me.i was scared, angry and feeling bloody wretched.i do all my homework and use chinese phrases as often as i can now.because this is actually very, very close to reality and my life will Not get any worse.the last one is better left undisclosed.it involves presence of highly-irritating people whose names i'd rather not mention here.
by the way, i'm trying out this new thing about not swearing so you shouldn't laugh when i swear in hokkien because i don't even know what the swear words mean.it's not nice to be vulgar, but i Have to channel all my anger at something Through something, and catharsis isn't quite available as i once said.
indeed the first step is the hardest.but i've always been pushing myself to do things i don't like without much difficulty.i succeed, all the time.oddly enough, i'm dealing with something i've been wanting to do so for a very long time.i've been given the green light, but uncertainty and fear holds me back.i don't know how to do so, and i don't want to talk about it.who knows, maybe once you hear of the complications you'd just see me even more as an attention-begging prat or even worse, that my life seems overly-wretched.neither'd help, and one would only make me sadder.as i liked to say, my life is just like an a^-x graph.going all the way down to minus infinity.
blah.enough of whining.i'm already becoming a professional at that. |
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| Moody Mondays |
[Jul. 23rd, 2007|08:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Blower's Daughter | ] |
listening to Damien Rice now.there's just something comforting about folk music and Irish people.anyway, one of my current desires(stronger ones) is to move to Republic Of Ireland and live there for the rest of my life!honestly, i've entertained this notion for a rather long time now, especially after reading Daughter Of The Forest.the pace of life there is very slow(neither stress nor unhappiness shall exist!) and it rains about 200 days a year with temperatures around 16 degrees celcius.how awesome is that i'd never need to break a single sweat again(if i could help it, that is).
well, i've loads of homework but the motivation just isn't there.and i don't need somebody to come over and kick me in the pants so i'd do it.my homework will do itself, or at least i will.it's just a matter of how long it takes, and that highly depends on my fatigue level.for now, i am unable to do anything but relax.speaking of which i just had a cup of milk and a piece of chocolate bread yum!
probably going to watch harry potter the fifth with yet hong tomorrow.only us, how lonely is that?the sec1s all backed out and when si wei found out she deserted us as well.what a bummer.strangely enough, i'm not that excited about watching the movie, because the recent ones have been rather bad i merely watch for the sake of watching.so that my life can progress for the sake of progressing.movies that i Truly look forward to: Simpsons, Hairspray!!!goodness John Travolta in drag and Amanda Bynes!how great is that, and even better: loads of singing since it is a Broadway adaption whohoo!
uhm, something unsettling has found lodging in my heart, though.mrs low said that she would change some of our seats.i do not want to sit with anyone else but yeesuan in 3i, but it bloody sucks when we are neighbours with the window and hosts of yellow leaves(blown in by wind which is a double-edged sword in this sense).also, our view is constantly blocked by the teachers writing on the board!god, life is so screwed sometimes.maybe if i don't think about it, it might go away!
National Day celebration is coming soon.preparation is in progress, and i do not like playing marches, they exhaust and give me 'sausage lips'.okay not literally you have to ask yet hong about that ha ha!merry widow Is better than marches and Singapore songs, but since i'm supposed to be a good citizen, studying SS and all patriotism comes first and the national interests lie above my own.
sometimes, i wish that i lead a completely different life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 21st, 2007|07:26 pm] |
Life is getting harder and harder, with each second that crawls by.i think i'm an escapist, and sleep is my form of release.
you see, i am so wretched and untalented, therefore i am deemed not eligible to even participate in cartharsis.sheesh...i can pick up violin now, but i don't know when to begin.also, i can't practise on my own since clever little me unstringed the whole thing in a fit of anger a few months before.so tell me when to start, any of you!!i need feedback!
oh well, school's being a total bore, especially e maths because i have no idea how to prove triangles' similarity and congruence and nothing's helping at all sheesh.and i'm behaving as if i were chronically tired but there's no such thing anyway.the weather isn't doing anything good either, my neck rash is coming back damnit.
went for snyo concert with chatty, lamer and hug on thursday night.it was good, and i would have said the same thing even if it were bad because of my amateur-ish untrained ear.i like marche slave!!!listening to it now, it's even better than rufus wainwright!haha okay, on par.but i really want to pick up violin very very badly right now!!
anyway, harry potter got released today.spent 30minutes queueing up and looking at the cross-dresser cashier who wore a blond wig(he was trying to be JK Rowling, i think) and the consequent 9 hours were spent reading, eating and visiting the loo.i'm glad it's over, and the ending was a good one which satisfied me well enough.i would like it better if Malfoy and Harry established a friendship, though.
okay i'm very tired now and torn between the decisions of going to sleep or start on my homework.but first, i need to take a long bath.the heat is getting to me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2007|09:02 pm] |
so what do you want from me now?
i'm a teenager.i'm supposed to have overly-biased views and not think that we all have problems.because my life is just like a a^-x graph.going all the way down to negative infinity.so there.
just because i'm the only one who dares to speak her mind, i get hated by everyone for everything and anything.wow, how great can this get.maybe i'm really different from the others after all.i'm way below average, some kind of freak.
you all think that i've got no soul.fine, fine.all that you can find are devils of mutated kinds, raging to take over my wretched self.i simply love playing devil's advocate.my mind is too shallow to view anything even in a semi-positive light.like you're that great anyway.for how much all of you hate me, it'll all come back to you one day.pride does come before a fall.i've already seen one shallow acquaintance crack.hell, she was so satisfied with herself all the time.always shouting at the top of her voice, thinking that the world lives for her witty little comments that contradict themselves.wow.still self-satisfied huh?it'll come back one day, i don't care how it's going to happen, but your ego is too big for you.
back to you1.why are you being so nice to us again?it's rare to find someones attitude change drastically, especially when it's only been one month.you must be doing something bad to me, that's why.always, when people are extra-nice to me, i uncover their dirty little deed.not that i go searching for things, they just surface.all because i lead a wretched life.
you2.stop rolling your eyes at me.fine i admit.i've never liked you.but have i started a campaign, even a public one, against you?no.i didn't even do anything to you in the first place.what if i'm ugly?is that why you hate me so much, because my mere irritating presence just cracks and screws up the portrait of your perfect life?whenever i think about it, i really wish you'd just disappear.or that i could send a really tight slap to your cheek.GRR
why do so many people like to become my enemy?it's not my fault i turned out such a failure.blame my parents, i'm just a teenage reflection.i'm shallow, ugly, disgusting, irritated, annoyed, irritating, annoying, angry and whiny.it's all their fault.don't blame me.i never had any say in my life.whenever i'm pissed with something, they just tell me it's all my fault.
don't blame them for my being cruel, though.sometimes it's all your own fault.come on, find some salvation in this comforting consolation. |
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| Balloons & Gravity |
[Jul. 4th, 2007|07:33 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Tiergarten - Rufus Wainwright | ] |
i can finally breathe freely.after 2 weeks or so.oh, i really don't know how i could ever relate it to anyone.you find me forever whining about something, but i'm actually really afraid of letting out my true feelings, cos my soul's paper-thin and i wouldn't be able to contain all the overwhelming emotions.
...
i'm not calling out for help though.
the icing to the cake was o level oral.it had been at the back of my mind like a dark cloud the moment i found out when we'd be sitting for it.somehow, it didn't just occur to me that reality's crashing to the ground.at such a speed.all these waking up to a mess really changes one.before the oral we had test after test, after test and so on.i didn't quite crack under the pressure(it's a moral victory!), though i was left exhausted, burning midnight oil and waking up at 5am to re-revise.despite my results not being released yet, i know i won't do well.i've definitely failed chemistry and probably ss too.i just hope they won't spark off some sub-conscious(am i using the right word here?) sorrow within my shallow little self.
back to the oral.when people talked about it, my heart couldn't help but beat twice as fast.and then it'd go back to its original rythmn, and go back up again.or i'd start feeling giddy, or have stomachaches, or have them all at one go as how it turned out this afternoon.i couldn't help being nervous, and began talking to the examiners in an unknown voice, which sounded peculiarly sweet then.i tripped over a few words nearing the end of the passage, and began talking non-stop after the examiner gave me my dialogue question as though i had memorised my answer by heart.my heart was pumping so hard/fast i could hear it in my ears and could've sworn that with every beat it threathened to leap out and tear through my chest, only that things like these were technically impossible.and note this dears and not-loved ones, the impossible doesn't Always have to be realised and alter perceptions at the same time.for good example, i couldn't be born 15 years ago in September instead of March, an impossibly good-looking brunette in London, could i?
i sincerely hope not to do too badly for my tests; it's nice to have this carefree feeling within yourself, wanting to smile to yourself sometimes for absolutely no reason.sigh...but i fear nothing good lasts for even a moderate period.
all these while when i've been feeling nervous, singing Tiergarten to myself helps to calm my nerves.it's really a great song, i love Rufus Wainwright!!!
Won't you walk me through the Tiergarten
Won't you walk me through it all, darling
Doesn't matter if it is raining
Won't you walk me through it all
Even if the sun it is blazing
Even if the snow it is raging
All the elements we must conquer
To get to the other side of town
I have suffered shipwreck against your dark brown eyes
I have run aground your broken-down smiles
Believe me when i tell you i have no place to roam
But to go where the wildflowers grow and the stone gardens bloom
Won't you walk me through the Tiergarten
Won't you walk me through it all, darling
Doesn't matter if it is raining
We'll get to the other side of town |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 1st, 2007|11:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cold | ] |
i don't know if you said all those things so loudly on purpose, so we'd have to "accidentally" eavesdrop and find no other way not to listen to your crap.
if you really meant it, i'm even more disgusted with you.selfish, irresponsible.don't even get me started on all the incorrect things you say.
i wish you didn't exist in the first place.then i wouldn't be here, would i? |
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| Would you settle for love? |
[Jul. 1st, 2007|06:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  touched | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Slideshow-Rufus Wainwright | ] |
school reopening has been terrible.mrs kwek left(that's not the terrible part though) due to having too many commitments and we have a new relief teacher who says he's probably going to be leaving in mid-August as the school's looking for a new Chemistry teacher.he says that he didn't go to NIE.
well, i think that i've loads of commitments too.so why is everyone getting pissed with me because i'm being irritable and fed-up with the state of my life?yeah whatever, you say you're having the same thing but you're not me so what the hell do you think goes on inside my head?i suppose you probably painted an extremely unflattering portrait of me tucked cosily away at the back of your selfish little mind without even bothering to know what sort of person i am.self-centred litte prat, that's what you are, through and through.and i say that because you absolutely LOOOOOVE to judge people based on how what your biased vision brings you eh?
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i'd really, really like to know why you1 are being so darn nice to us.didn't you love to shun us and avoid both dialogue and contact with in the past?tell me, honestly, why are you behaving like that?did you go through some spiritual enlightenment and decide to treat everyone well or have you simply woken up to the similar overwhelming states of misery that our lives are in?i don't mean to sound like i'm snapping but you're really confusing me.
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i've been listening to Rufus Wainwright so much that my love for singing has come back, albeit being off-key as it always has been.this IS big news, mind you.i just burst into song halfway through mugging every single night.it's a bit odd, really, but i see it as a form of release from my dreary, draining life.maybe not.i'm still upset though.but that's probably because i'm a teenager.put simply, i just mope, whine and get into trouble all the time.yeah.
back to project work before i get into bigger trouble.cya |
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| life's short and sad but im in no position to agree |
[Jun. 21st, 2007|05:41 pm] |
education isn't supposed to be tampered and meddled with, especially when you have coarse hands, you know.
3 weeks ago, my a maths tuition teacher has been replaced by this new guy who swears loads and is apparently better-liked than the previous one.(you see he got "fired" the week after the tuition centre gave us a survey form to fill up)i think he's O.K. but despite me being able to do all that o level questions and all i am still stumped by some in the workbook mrs chia bought for us.
if you want to, you can view my current tutor's blog: kennycheng.blogspot.com
yesterday, yeesuan and i went to gail's house to study(thank you gail!) but ended up talking about loads and loads of weird stuff.we were supposed to go for chemistry tuition that evening but had already decided beforehand to inform them we'd quit after one more month.turned out that the other girl pulled out before we managed to call them, and with only 2 students they can't function.does it look like a joke?
oh well i've got nothing more to say, except that i'm studying chemistry on my own now and i really want to get A1.if you think that's funny (too), forgive me for having a goal. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 4th, 2007|09:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Dinner At Eight - Rufus Wainwright | ] |
note: this is the 2nd time i am typing this with the aid of a non-sensitive keyboard.
well now.
this was supposed to be a better day than the past few i have been existing through.
after all, it was the first time in weeks that i've left the hellhole for a movie and having it being Pirates, awaited ever since the second one opened, .it was also the first time in months that i've managed to hang out with hug and lamer at a mall together.
...
ALAS,I LIVE IN A REAL WORLD.
happiness comes hard and seldom, and there's always a price to pay for it, in whatever currency the Devil pleases it to be. |
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| wow. |
[May. 30th, 2007|04:14 pm] |
Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP)
|
Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive.
Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men
You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.
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| a little irony |
[May. 30th, 2007|02:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  pensive | ] |
while having lunch at Lot1 with yeesuan yesterday, we came across a little push-cart selling accessories.
i spotted a cute necklace with 2 4-leaved clover pendants for it and thus bought it.
the same day, i returned home.
my pendants fell into the sink when i was trying them on. |
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| cooped up |
[May. 28th, 2007|06:44 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | hungry | ] |
holidays are in full swing, baby!
ok, not really.just the slacking part of it.i've yet to get around to splurging part(yay for my wallet! nor felt the need to do homework.basically, i just woke up late today and moped around the house.without completing a single assignment.yawn, i'll get to it.someday.
oh, anyway tell you something great.rashes have started appearing all over my body.even my ankle.but not my face, of course.good thing there is medicine at home, bad thing that i've only just discovered it.hopefully i'll make it to the geography lesson at bukit timah nature reserve And sungei buloh(mosquitoes damn!) without looking spotty.dotty.whatever you might call me.the pill had better work(since i only took one)!!!!!
ANYWAY, since it has officially been more than 2 months since my birthday and I HAVE YET TO RECEIVE A PRESENT, i shall announce to nobody(that's you) the list of things that i wouldn't mind to receive:
death note manga in chinese(volumes 8-12, $5 for 1 only!!)
Rufus Wainwright's Release The Stars
Soda Green's xiao yu zhou(lousily translated as tiny universe)
the best(commercially, i suppose) Jodi Picoult book, i'd really like to know why she's such a hit among my schoolmates.
not too much, i suppose?i'm real low-maintenance, you know!
dinner's ready, i think i'll go off now.Spongebob's showing too, hurray! |
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tentativity's journal